Codependency....a word I didn't know about until I came into recovery. It was the reason my life was hectic, crazy and unmanageable. Once I am aware of my codependency and doing things differently, my whole life shifted for the better.
Before I give you the CR definition and other definitions, I want to give you what my definition of codependency is. To me, codependency simply means other people are always a priority and our values stem from what others say and think of us. We love others more than we love ourselves. The Bibles commands us to "love our neighbor as ourselves" It assumes that we know how to love ourselves and we take care of ourselves. Then out of the full cup and desire to help, we love and help others. Codependency is people addiction. It's giving out of an empty bucket, it's saying "YES" though inside we don't want to. I was very much unaware of my own codependency until I found CR. There is a balance in all things. Codependency is swinging too far on the other side where we are not aware of our own needs and dreams, but we are aware of only other's needs and dreams. The boundaries disappear between us and them, there is no difference. If they wear an ugly dress, we feel embarrassed as if we were the one wearing it. We feel guilty is we stop to recharge ourselves. We are addicted to suffering. Our sense of who we are came from other people and what they think of us. If Jesus were a codependent, He would be utterly crushed by all the things that was said to Him by pharisees and others. Jesus is very much aware of who He is, and His security comes from God the Father. Jesus is not a codependent. He gave out of His full bucket, and He often retreated to spend time with God to recharge. Do not give so much power to other people. We are loved and we stand on what God's word say about us. Our security comes from God's word and promises.
here is CR definition of what a codependent is:
My good feelings of who I am come from being loved and approved by you. My mental attentions is focused on solving your problems, pleasing you, protecting you and relieving your pain. I am not aware of my hobbies and interest, what I want, how I feel, my dreams, but I am aware of yours. My fear of rejection and your anger determines what I say or do. I feel the safest when I am giving. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own. the quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.
Two books all codependents should read are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Reading those books are most eye-opening for me.
Why would you say this causes a problem? Because for various reasons codependents tend to attach themselves to problems and needy people (often addicts and narcissists), we feel good in that relationship because we are needed, and we can give to them and try to solve their problems which will keep us busy for life. We believe that there is simply no other choice but to react to this particular problem or person in this obsessive manner. Sadly, we don't realize what we are doing hasn't been working. Most of us are so busy responding to other people's problems that we haven't had time to identify, much less take care of our own problems. Then what happens? We feel sad because we feel unappreciated and resentful because no one gives to us. In her book "Codependent No More" Ch 6, Melody describes herself, "My entire life had been a reaction to other people's lives, desires, problems, faults, successes, and personalities...I was like a puppet with strings hanging out, inviting and allowing anyone or anything to yank them." Haha....that's my favorite picture of a codependent! I love word pictures!
Who says we have to be stuck there? We can take care of ourselves. We are not helpless. We can handle things; whatever life brings our way. What exactly do codependents need to start doing? Again, this is a huge topic and there is so much you can do, but if you can start by doing two things, you will be well on your way to finding balance. First is Detach from the person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy entanglements with another person and their problems. We cannot solve a problem that aren't ours to solve in the first place. Stop trying to fix their problems, they will ultimately do whatever they want to do, we cannot control them. Control is an illusion. Live and let live. Let them be. The only person you can change and control is yourself. If people created a disaster for themselves, we allow them to face their consequences. We trust that God can do much more to solve the problems than we can, and He cares enough to do it at His right timing. We quietly trust that "All things will work together for those who love God" Rm 8:28. When we are not anxiously and compulsively going crazy, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people and how to solve our problems. This can be done better with accountability and support. CoDA (non-religious) and Celebrate Recovery (Christian) are great places to find free support groups and 12 step programs. We can be happy when others are angry and unhappy. We don't have to let them affect our serenity.
Next thing we need to start doing is take care of and love ourselves. Self-care is not selfish. A cellphone simply needed to be charged in order to function properly. Taking care of ourselves is the foundation of loving others. How do you do that? Just start showing yourself the same kindness and compassion you show to others. If you are tired and overworked, take a nap. If you feel angry or sad or resentful, pay attention to those feelings and write them down. Feel and process through those with your sponsor or therapist. I have a grandbaby now and when she is crying and her hands stretched out, immediately I pick her up and comfort her. But when our inner child is crying out, we tell her to shush and that we don't have time for her. Feel your feelings is beginning of healing. Find and do some of the healthy things you love to do daily so you can feel better; Take a walk, cook your favorite food, take a bath, journal, spend time with God, read, garden, exercise, spend time with friends.....etc. The non-codependents do these things daily and they don't feel guilty about it. We have to learn to do those things for us. We are important too and we are worth something even when we are not taking care of others. We are good enough. I am learning so much from my grandbaby. My favorite thing is to watch her sleep, so peaceful just breathing in and out. I feel so much love for her, and she doesn't need to do anything. Our heavenly Father takes pleasure just watching us be ourselves because we belong to Him. We don't need to work to prove ourselves worthy of that love; He just loves us. We soak up that love first, then we can love ourselves and others. We aren't second-class citizens. We don't deserve to live second-hand lives. We have a right to be happy and deserve good things in our lives too. Pay attention to our deep desires and our gifts and talents. Develop those gifts. Trust and respect ourselves. If you mess up sometimes, forgive ourselves and speak kindness to ourselves. No more negative self-talk.
My first accountability group had a tradition of planning our own birthdays and inviting the rest of the group to join. What a concept!?! Every year, there is this deep disappointment on my birthday because it wasn't exactly what I wanted. Well, then what is? I had to take time to think about it and give that gift to myself, whether it is a tea party or trip to the beach, I get to be good to myself on that day and stop expecting others to just know what I want. If I wanted flowers, I could go buy them for myself. If I wanted a bowl of good soup, I can go buy it for me. You would be surprised that there is actually a lot you can do to make yourself happy.
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