Healthy Detachment

The hardest lesson I am learning from my big move is healthy detachment, first with my stuff and then with my children.  Stuff is relatively easier because I no longer needed them, and I can buy new ones here. But my grown kids are still alive and well in another part of the world, and I have to do life without them.  There is not one day that goes by without me thinking about them, wondering if they are well.  In parenthood, there comes a time when our children grow up and they become independent and needing to detach from us.  It's a natural part of life, but for some (codependents like me), it's very difficult to let them go.

I had a visitor in December who lives in the same house all of her married life, and her daughter recently moved closer to her just down the street, and she is happily watching the grandbabies.  I listened with a twinge of envy...that's the life I wish I had if God hasn't called me here.  But God knew better.  I have been here a bit more than 4 months, and my kids are well and alive without me.  Actually, I think they are doing better than ever.  I taught them everything that I know and supported them financially longer than 18 years of their lives.  It's sad to admit my job as a parent is done.  My husband Ted has no problem letting the kids live their lives, but I have way more trouble in that area because I am a recovering codependent.  My value and worth as a person are tied to them.  This is a much harder lesson for me to learn than Ted.

In the book "Codependent No More", Melody Beattie described some things we do as codependents: "They have worried themselves sick about other people.  They have tried to help in ways that didn't help.  They have said yes when they meant no.  They have tried to make other people see things their way.  They have bent over backward to avoid hurting people's feelings and in so doing have hurt themselves.  They have been afraid to trust their feelings.  they have believed lies and then felt betrayed.  .... They have struggled with their rights while other people said they didn't have any.  They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk.... Their entire focus was on someone or something other than themselves.  Some spent years worrying about, reacting to, and trying to control other human beings."

Yikes! More than just a few items of the above describe me, except I thought I was really helping......God knew I needed to detach because I was overly involved and entangled in my children's lives.  Worrying is useless; in fact, it is wasted energy.  We may feel like we are doing something, but we aren't.   that's why God commands us not to worry.  It changes nothing except it makes today suck.   I needed to take my focus off of them and start living my life.  What am I so worried about?  That something may happen, that they may do things that I wish they wouldn't do.  Maybe they should do things differently, a better way, a way that caused less problems.   So, what if they make bad choices in life? I cannot rescue them because they are no longer kids.  This is the scary part; they will have to experience the consequences of that bad choice.  This is part of maturing and growing up.

What Detachment is NOT

I will be quoting a lot from "Codependent No More" pages 60-61 (in italic) because it's my favorite part of the book and I couldn't have said it better.  I have to read it over and over again to remind myself the truth.  Let's start with what Detachment is NOT...."Detachment isn't a cold, hostile withdrawal, a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything throws our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally unaffected by people and problems; .... a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships.  Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do for the moment. ....... Detachment does not mean we don't care.  It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. "

What Heathy Detachment is

Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person or problem in love.  We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy and often painful entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, as well as from problems we cannot solve. 

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.  We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.  If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music.  We allow people to be who they are.  We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.  And we give ourselves that same freedom.  We live our own lives to the best of our ability.  We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change.  Then we stop trying to change things we can't.  We do what we can do to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing.  If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem.  And we try to live happily--focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today and feeling grateful for that.  We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.

Detachment involves present moment living --- living in the here and now.  We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it.  We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future.  We make the most of each day.  Detachment also involves accepting reality. It requires faith in ourselves, in God, and in other people.  We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.  We release our burdens and cares and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.  We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts.  We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.  We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can.  So, we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it.  In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest and sometimes most painful things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone."

Roman8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

The Rewards of Healthy Detachment

"When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems.  We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.  The rewards from detachment are great:  Serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.  We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about our responsibility towards others.  Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems.  We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves.  What a grand plan!  We each mind our own business."

Now you probably see why I have to read this part of the book on Detachment over and over again.  It's so good, right?  Now that we learn all that, we will have to decide how these truths apply to you and me in our particular situation and find our own paths.  For me, it's figuring out what God has for me to do here in Taiwan each day without worrying about my kids.  It's entrusting them to our great Father who is absolutely capable of taking care of them.  God has a plan to mature them that doesn't involve me.  He has a different plan for me to grow here.  Some days I will struggle, but it will be OK. I will feel those feelings and release them to God.  I learn to self-care. Self-care and Self-appreciation | Success God's Way (mysuccessgodsway.com)

With a little humility, surrender, effort and seeking God on your part, I believe you can detach too.   I had to do it all of a sudden because I moved.  But you can detach a little bit at a time.  If you cannot let go completely, try hang on loosely first.  Just like playing the piano, you will learn to do it better each day by practicing.  I will be here cheering you on.  Relax, sit back, breathe and take the focus back on yourself.