Jesus was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. We often think of losing someone we love when we think of grief. Sure, that's when grief is most intense. But there are also different types of grief, losing a job, an opportunity, a business deal, friends, things, familiar surroundings, a dream, an expected outcome, pets....etc. A healthy person grieves regularly like Jesus, acquainted with grief. Why is this important? Because it is much like decluttering, grief makes room for new good things in our hearts.
In our serenity prayer, one of the things is "accepting the things I cannot change." It is a much harder option for me. I want to try to change everything I can. But in accepting the things I cannot change, I have to grieve that things in my life are not what I expect they are. As you know, I have been in CR and have sponsored many hurting women. The last thing we want to do is face the grief head on. Most of us will do anything to avoid going there. We make excuses. The one I hear most is, "it really isn't that bad." Society wants us to be strong, hold it together and move on quickly. Some even tell us to be grateful. This doesn't work and it will damage ourselves and others closest to us because ultimately, we cannot hide it, the grief eats our inside and the poison will leak out. I know this because it was what I did when my mom died. It didn't work. I learned to grieve better with my dad's passing by taking time to feel the wave of sadness when it comes.
Moving to Taiwan last November was a huge step and I had to grieve all over again. It was not really what I wanted, it was what my husband wanted and what God told me to do. My kids are not near me anymore, though they are fully capable. I lost so many friends, though social media allows a degree of connection to some, it is not the same. I like meeting in person. I had to get rid of most of my belongings, some I was quite attached to. It's so hot. I had my own yard and I love nature, living here in the city, I don't have that. I miss my dog Kai-Kai. I struggle to communicate deep thoughts in Mandarin. Traffic is scary and sidewalks are uneven, there are people everywhere. The list goes on. For a while, I allow my sad feelings to come, and sometimes I cry. I recognize what I lost was valuable to me. This was only one of many examples in my life. I have been through enough of them to know one thing, it's healthier and easier ultimately to face the grief.
For a while, I prayed this prayer from Melody Beattie that I loved.
"Lord, help me to fully embrace my endings so I may be ready for my new beginnings."
I am no expert in this, but I am writing this down to help myself remember what I need to do according to experts and experience.
So what do we do to grieve properly?
1. Write about the value of what you lost. It's important to you in some ways. Don't deny it. You loved that jerk who abandoned you. You had expectations of your marriage. I loved some of my stuff though others see no value in them. My friend said she was really pretty before she got sick. You really deserve that promotion. Whatever it is, don't minimize it. I love writing it all down. Since CR, I became a believer in journaling. It's so healing to write things down. I have many journals, but one is called processing journal, which I write down my negative feelings and things I may be confused about to process through it. It's not a journal I keep long term, once it's filled, I throw it away. But the writing process really helps me sort things out.
2. Allow sad feelings. There will be times when sadness comes. take time to feel it and don't fight it. I remember when my dad died, there were times I had to pull over when I was driving to cry and feel the sadness. There was a time in the grocery store when I saw the foods that he loved and I cried my eyes out. What was embarrassing was that I ran into someone who knew me. Oh well. When my 30th year wedding anniversary is approaching, I felt so sad for a week. My marriage is not what I imagined. I had to face the deep disappointment in me and sit with that feeling. I had to die to my expectations of what it could be. Tears are very healing. Tears are not a sign of weakness. I also didn't know that before I came to recovery. Tears pull out toxins in us. So let the healing tears flow.
3. Find support. I learned something interesting lately that I've never thought about. Why did God create tear ducts to come out of our eyes? I have never thought about it, that God could have put our tear duct somewhere like armpits, back of our knees, our bellybutton....somewhere hidden, somewhere no one would see. But He didn't do that. God puts tear ducts in our eyes where all can see!. This is so profound!!! Because our pain is meant to be shared. God must be saying, "duh.... now you finally get it!!" (I am not sure if "Duh" is in God's vocabulary actually.) Our tears and our sorrows and pain are meant to be seen by others and shared. Finding support is so important when we are sad. Find a safe person you can pour out your heart to and shed those tears.
After we grieved, then what? We adapt.
1) We give up what's lost and accept the new normal. When my mom died, my dad used to tell me, "I felt like she was just gone on vacation and will be back tomorrow." Sometimes when I wake up in the morning in a daze, I didn't know where I was because the city looks so unfamiliar with the concrete buildings and the underground MRT train entrances. It takes me a while to accept the fact that this is my new home now. I live in a small apartment near a major train station. It takes a while, but it's sinking in that I am beginning my new life here and that God has work for me to accomplish living here. Accepting the new normal. It will be this way for a while.
2) Find new ways to meet my needs. I started to take note of what makes me feel better and how I can find new ways to operate here in this strange city. I walked everywhere so I can get used to the streets and where things are. I found a nearby park I can bike to in the mornings. Seeing the trees there reminded me of my yard and I feel better. I like water, and so I found a couple of ways to walk to bike along the river or harbor. I do have more time than before now, so I established a new routine of morning quiet time and things I want to do daily so I can feel better. I try to make new friends. I ask people where to buy the things I needed. I learn to read my Bible in Chinese. I learned to live simply but not forgetting to be kind to myself sometimes. Often we need to get creative to adapt to reality, but when there's a will, there's a way.
3) use new grief-friendly vocabulary, such as "It is what it is.", "Oh, Well.", "Good enough" I love those phrases. Those were nuggets of wisdom from Dr. Townsend. Lots of times in life, we will not meet expectation, whether it's our own or other's expectations. Sometimes people we love will never change despite how much we wish that they do. "Oh, well."
Sometimes things beyond our control make us late to a meeting. Sometimes there is bad weather that messes up our plans. "It is what it is."
Sometimes I had to do a teaching, and it didn't go as well as I wanted, but no need to kill myself to reach perfection. "Good enough."
Those were freeing words we can say to ourselves to let go. try it.
Remember the process of grief is temporary. It is for a season. It will free us up for new blessings. Let go of what we cannot keep will make room and allow in the "new and awesome".
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