Seeing God in Loneliness

You can be by yourself or married or in a crowd and feel lonely.  I had gone through a time when I felt extremely lonely no matter where I went.  It was something I expected to uproot myself and move to another country.  But it is still much more difficult that I expected.  Sadly, there are people around me that live here all their lives and they have not one close friend.

About a month ago, I fell into a deep depression and felt completely and utterly alone while the others here were celebrating Lunar New Year for 2 weeks.  I am not sure why, I guess misery loves company maybe...., I felt comforted by reading about this man who lived more than a hundred years ago.  His name was George Matheson.  In the prime of his youth, he got engaged to a beautiful girl.  Then he went blind.  This had to be devastating.  I cannot imagine as someone who could see everything once and then had to live in darkness the rest of his days.  Shortly after that, his fiancé broke the engagement with him.  He was understandably sad and alone.  I wonder what went through his mind.  I'd be thinking that "I am a terrible person not deserving to be loved.  Perhaps felt that God is mad at me.  Maybe I am condemned to be alone all my life.  No one cares.  How am I going to go on in life? "

But instead of turning to bitter resentments and gave in to these dagger-thrusts to the heart, he wrote a hymn to God.  It is an old hymn and I will not quote all of it, but it starts as,

"O Love that wilt not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in Thee,

I give thee back the life I owe

that in Thine Ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be."

Elizabeth Elliot commented the following, "His blindness and rejection proved to be for George Matheson the very means of illuminating the Lord of God.  He may have asked the age-old question, Why?, but God's answer is always Trust Me.  Matheson turned his thoughts away from the woman he had lost, away from the powerful temptations to self-pity, resentment, bitterness toward God, skepticism of His Word, and selfish isolation which might so quickly have overcome him and lifted up his weary soul to a far greater Love- one that would never let him go.   In the words "I give thee back the life I ow" Matheson understood that there was something he could do with his suffering.  It was the great lesson of the Cross: SURRENDER."  trusting that God never denies us our heart's desire except to give us something better. "

This story led me to read the book of Job again.  The righteous is not shielded from suffering.  Suffering happens to all.  Job's friends were wrong.  They think they have it all figured out, this neat little formula that God punishes the unrighteous.  If you are suffering, then there is sin in your life.  Even though Job isn't perfect, sin was not the cause of his suffering.  When my parents had cancer, so many church friends came lovingly advise that they repent from their sins because cancer must be the result of some sin.  Oh, how angry I felt for my parents!!!  It is bad enough that Job was covered in boils and lost everything.  It's bad enough that my parents were skin and bones going through chemo treatments.  Loving Christian friends had to come and tell them that they sinned against God.  It's so wrong.  This time reading Job, I gained three principles that I grabbed on to tightly:

1) God wants us to tell Him how we feel.  Not only we need to let the negative feelings emerge, we can tell God about it all.  Job did.  King David did.  so, I didn't bother trying to stuff my negative feelings, I wrote it all out in my negative journal.  In CR, I learned to journal.  I didn't act on my negative emotions, but I tell it to God.  

2) In loneliness and suffering, in confusion and pain, we patiently wait for God.  In the depths of my depression, it feels like every day will be like this and the pain will go on forever.  Not true.  The clouds will lift, and the sun will shine again.  We patiently wait, knowing that God will show up. I remember not to make rash emotional decisions, but spiritual decisions.  

3) Renew my strength in God's love for me.  Unfortunately, Job didn't know about Jesus and what He did for us on the cross.  But I do.  I am so blessed.  God's love allows me to trust Him and to gain new strength like eagles.  His love is enough.  If God's love is enough for G. Matheson, then His love is enough for me.  The great heroes of the Bible didn't always have someone with them, but they always strengthen themselves in God.  You and I can do the same.