We all have hurts. I used to stuff down my feelings and that's the worst thing you can do. What happens then is I either use something to numb that pain, hurt those around me or I got sick. I am thankful that Celebrate Recovery taught me how to process those feelings. After 11 years of working the steps, I will give a concise summary of the process here. Successful people own up to their parts, even if it's only 5%.
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The best way to get familiar with the process is through a step study at your local Celebrate Recovery, a Christ-centered recovery program for anyone with hurts, hang ups and habits. CR changed my life, and I know it works when you work it. It's God's word and God's will because He wants to heal you. This gift of healing can be yours too. God loves to partner with us, when we do our part, He comes and does things only He can do.
When my feelings are hurt, one of the tools I use is called "Step Four" or "Moral Inventory" sheet. Yes, you are right! It's an old-fashioned paper form that you copy and write on. Writing is better than typing because the act of writing uses both parts of your brain. I don't know why it works, but I just know it works. This form is one sheet per Incident. Be specific. For example, don't say "He never helps out around the house." But put down "On Thurs, he refused to help me with dishes when I asked him." We get to put our hurts on paper and get it out of our system. It's really great. All your negative feelings go on "the Effect" column. If you do not know how you feel, just google feeling wheel or chart. I didn't know this before, but my sponsor said that my feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are just my feelings. Be brutally honest about how you feel, this paper is for you only. "My part" is the hardest column because I used to think I don't have a part. But in most adult situations (other than some abuse cases), we have a part. It may be a very small part, but we still have a part. It takes lots of meetings with my sponsor for me to start seeing what part I have. I was shocked to see some common thread throughout the hundreds of my "Step Four" forms. So I was not merely a victim of circumstances! My Part often included the following: codependency, lack of self-care, didn't speak up, didn't ask for help, lack boundaries and unrealistic expectations....etc. That's the part that I can work on because after all, we cannot change others.
After doing a bunch of these step fours from childhood to now, we will now have two lists as results. First is the Amends list. This is the wrong you have done to others or yourself. This is the list you need to make amends to. If you'd like, you can write something down and read it to the person you wronged. It should be simple like, "I'm sorry I hurt you by XXX, It was wrong, please forgive me." Don't give excuses, just admit you are wrong and own up to your part no matter how small.
The second list is the "Forgiveness list". This is the list of people that have wronged you and caused you pain. Out of this list, you will have some that you need to draw clear boundaries with. It's best to work with your sponsor on this and have accountability partners to support you. Most of the people on this list you just need to write a forgiveness letter that you will never send. The concept is easy, much like Jesus forgiving others on the cross. Most of my sponsees still asked me how to write one. Since I have written many forgiveness letters, I came up with a format that works best which I will share here. (be sure to carefully put away these step four forms and forgiveness letters)
How to forgive
When someone wrongs you, you have two choices:
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to speak up and confront. Work with your sponsor to be sure you state your feelings in "I statement". Remember that they have the choice to respond as they wish. Your job is to speak up for how you feel which may give them a chance to grow and change if they choose to. If not, it's still their choice, have peace in knowing you have done your part. Then proceed to forgive.
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to forgive. Jesus on the cross being our ultimate example, we want to recognize that it was wrong, and it hurt us, but we are choosing to forgive. Take time to work on your forgiveness letter and after doing so, use the empty chair or with your sponsor present, read your forgiveness letter and then let it go. Forgiveness is a process. When the resentment comes up again, pray and tell God that you are willing to forgive and ask Father to help you do His will.
Forgiveness letter format:
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State what happened and how that made you feel.
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Why you think the person did what he did, (maybe he was hurt before) Hurt people hurt people. This gives us a compassion perspective when we "turn mad into sad". Like candy coated pills, it makes forgiveness easier.
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State that you choose to forgive and why.
Ex: "Starting today, I forgive you because God has forgiven me, because resentment doesn’t work, and because I will need forgiveness in the future. (if Christian, state that God has paid for his sins on the cross.) I want to release this resentment for my own sake because I want to experience freedom and stop allowing you to keep hurting me. God will restore to me for all the years the locusts have eaten. I will trust in Him to handle any injustice when the time is right. I release you. It was something I should have done a long time ago. God commands us to forgive and love even our worst enemy, and He did that because I am better off physically, emotionally and spiritually when I forgive. I will trust God to help me when the hurt surface again because He is faithful in helping me obey His commands. “
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State any good that came out of this and affirm any positive traits you see in this person. God uses all things for the good of those who loves Him. Everyone is our teacher if we are willing to learn.
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End with a blessing
Ex: "Starting today, I will let go and let God. So, I am sending you my love and I bless you in the name of the Lord. May God bless your family, your finances, and your health."
Forgiveness letters are powerful tools to forgive. I always knew I had to forgive because God's word is clear about it. But how do we do it? For me this tool works the best. It's painful to write it out but once I read it to my sponsor, it's a huge load off my back and my feelings toward the person change completely. Some deep wounds will take several letters, but eventually it will also be gone. Surprisingly some of my deepest hurt I rarely mentioned now because the healing is so complete that it doesn't hurt anymore. The scars are there, and I remembered but it is not painful. The beautiful thing is that I am able to help many other women because of it. Our worst pain sometimes becomes our biggest ministry. God never wastes a hurt. Isn't He awesome?!?
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