Jesus said love your neighbor as yourself. When we love and take care of ourselves, it isn't an act of selfishness or being lazy, it actually helps us to better love others. It is mandatory that we take care of ourselves on a regular basis and do the things that we love. When we do this, we can serve God and people better. The picture comes to mind when a child is cranky and irritable because she needed a nap but refuses to take it. Once she takes that much needed nap, she emerges as a much calmer happy child. We are better versions of ourselves when we take care of us.
Self-care is not being irresponsible such as skipping work often or spending recklessly. It is doing something that you love and want to do, other than your responsibilities. One of my favorite stories in the Bible is about Mary and Martha. When Jesus and the twelve disciples went to visit them, Martha was panicking because she felt like she needed to prepare a gourmet feast for 13 guests. In her mind, this is the duty of a good woman and a hostess. Is this what she really wanted to do? No. Because she is not joyful. In fact, she was stressed, resentful and bitter towards Mary her sister. Mary was doing what she wanted, that is fully present listening to Jesus with the men. That was her heart's desire and her calling as a disciple. Jesus said Mary has chosen the better. It's OK to do what you love and want to do. In fact, why did Mary desire to sit and listen to Jesus in the first place? God puts that desire there. She is following her desire which is God's will for her, not merely people's expectations. Martha also has the same call in her heart, but instead of choosing the door to the living room, she chose the door to the kitchen. She got distracted by the expectations of the world.
When I first met with my sponsor, she asked me to list 10 things I love to do to fill my cup. This was by far the hardest assignment because I knew what everyone else like to do and I know what I SHOULD do, but not what I wanted and love to do. The duty of being a mother, a wife, and an employee filled my life. Actually, at the time, everything in my day was my duty and responsibilities. I had no concept of self-care. I have been a Martha for so long that I didn't know how to be a Mary. I looked out there for any book on self-care, there isn't any. That's because how you take care of you is determined by you and God. What makes you happy is very different from what makes me happy. For me, because I am a codependent, I think to myself when I ever felt envious of others (like Martha), then I probably rather be doing what they do. Or when my friends are in need, and the things I do for them is probably what I wish people would do for me.
Some of us falsely believe that our needs are not important because it didn't matter anyway, they are not going to get met. Some even believe that our needs are bad or wrong and therefore should be repressed. The truth is that giving ourselves what we need is not hard. It just takes practice. You ask yourself in any given situation, "What do I need to do to take care of me?" It could be very simple things. One of my first act of self-care was when I was rushing after work to a step study meeting that I committed. I was annoyed at the traffic and everyone else. Then I asked that questions and decided that I wanted a bowl of hot soup before the meeting because I was hungry. I looked at the time, I can do it. But I had to push down the thought of "it might be expensive" and "I had food in the frig at home". Then I realized that if my daughter were in the car and wanted a bowl of soup, I would have stopped and gotten her that soup immediately. Why would I not do it for me? After much inner struggle, I stopped in a grocery store and bought a bowl of hot soup for me. That was life-changing! I learned that I could meet my own needs and make me happy. Since then, I have planned my own birthday, gone on Jesus retreats, scheduled fun things in my day, and sometimes just napped.
Sometimes taking care of myself means setting proper boundaries. No, you don't have to spend time with people you don't like. You are not obligated to do that. I used to think I was. The first boundary I have ever set was telling a friend on the phone that I have 15 minutes before a meeting. I didn't want to talk to her, and the truth about the meeting was I had a meeting with my weeds to pull them, but I was so happy I set that boundary because it gave me such peace of mind. I respected that my time is valuable too.
In the beginning of my recovery journey, I went to many meetings. But I was homeschooling 4 kids at the time and sometimes schedules were hard to juggle. I was desperate and knew that this is the support I needed, and this is my lifeline. So, I taught my boys to take the bus so they could go to tennis practice in Irvington High School. I wanted recovery so badly and told them it would make me a better mom. It did. I am glad I made that choice at the time I did. I went for what I needed. That's self-care. Seek help and support when you need it. Your mental health is of utmost importance.
Set goals for yourself. I talked about this in the blog Writing down your dreams and goals | Success God's Way (mysuccessgodsway.com)
Codependents spent many years reacting to other people's problems, desires, faults, successes and personalities, we have no time to think about what we want in life. In fact, maybe we don't even think we deserve good things or maybe we believe that most good things are out of our reach. I think part of self-care is setting fun goals for us. Goals generate interest and excitement. It's magical. There is a good book called "The magic of thinking big" by David Schwartz. The Magic of Thinking Big (Audio-book) by David Schwartz - YouTube When you have goals, things happen, and dreams come true. These are the goals that you really wanted not what you should do. Omit the SHOULD's. Once you wrote them down, commit them to God. Tell God these are your desires and then surrender humbly. Let God have the veto power. "Let Your will be done, not mine."
Appreciate yourself. If self-care is too difficult of a concept, then just start with appreciating yourself. We are so hard on ourselves. Some false thinking caused us to believe that good people are self-less and loving myself is selfish and lazy. Our poor bodies are like a tired servant doing the best she can, but we still kept pushing her to do more. Spend time to appreciate and thank God for your body and what you do well. You do so much well, but you just think everyone does it and it's no big deal. Take time to give yourself a high-five in the mirror and pat yourself on the back. When you put on some lotion after bath, take time to tell your body parts you appreciate it. God loves you and you should love you too.
The biggest lesson here is basically that we CAN meet our own needs. We can give ourselves what we wish others would do for us. We thought maybe we took care of everyone else and maybe they would return the favor and take care of me. But it usually doesn't happen. They just expected us to keep taking care of them. Our conclusion may be that "Well, I guess I am just not that important." No. That's wrong!! Stop that! You are important, and taking care of you is YOUR God-given responsibility, not someone else's. So, starting today, take that responsibility seriously and give yourself what you needed. I Love you, my friend. You are worth it.
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