Grieving well

Published on 18 October 2023 at 11:09

Grieving is a normal part of life.  Bad things didn't happen because you are being punished.  Bad things happen just because we live in a broken world with sinful people.  How do we grieve well?

 

I didn't grieve well when my mom passed away.  I stuffed the pain and just kept busy pretending all was fine.  What happens when I stuffed it all down?  Well, the tricky thing is you can't stuff it all down; it comes out in other ways and hurt the people you love.  Two years later, when Dad died.  I learned that to go through this process well, I must feel my feelings.  Dad left a cocker spaniel with us.  In our grief journey, that dog was an angel sent to ease our pain.  She reminded us of Dad/Agong still being with us.  Now she is 13 years old, and starting last week, she hasn't been doing well.  We are sad to face the truth that she is declining fast.  We are afraid to walk this last part of the journey with her.  Again, we felt the pain of grief, but at the same time grateful for her 13 years of life.

 

Grief doesn't only come when someone dies.  It can happen when there is a break-up, a traumatic move, children going to college, lost of things important to us, lost of job....etc.  Though it may be different degree of grief, we can be experiencing multiple losses all at once, and it makes it very hard.  Everyone grieves differently and for various amounts of time.  Here are some tips from the examples of Bible and from my own personal experience.

 

1) Feel your feelingsYou can express your feelings to God. If you read Psalm and Job, there were some angry words toward God when the writer is feeling so much overwhelming pain.  It's ok to complain to God, He knows we are in pain and He is big enough to take it.  He wants us to feel those feelings and come to Him.  Like a child crying to her loving parent, we can feel safe enough to come crying out to God.  It's exactly what we should be doing.  Those negative feelings really suck, but we need to feel them.  Let the tears come.  Tears are natural ways of healing.  God collects them in a bottle because He sees our pain.  In the beginning of the loss, my eyes were swollen from crying and it seemed that the tears will not stop flowing.  But it will dry up one day, you can count on it.  It is for a season.  You need to let all the bitterness and pain flush out of your system and you will feel better.  You can express your feelings to a safe person.  Don't go through this alone.  This wasn't meant for you to go through alone.  I found Celebrate Recovery.  There are GriefShare groups and other support groups that you can join.  Reach out to safe people and just tell them how you feel.  Joy is doubled when shared, and pain is halved when shared.  That's the beauty of fellowship.

 

2) Stop all negative self-talk.  You just went through a lot, be patient and kind to yourself.  Keep self-talk positive as much as you can because we are often our own worst enemy.  We will never kick someone when they are down, but somehow we often do that to ourselves.  Don't do that to yourself, you need the encouragement to go through this tough time. If we keep encouraging ourselves and tell ourselves we will get through this, eventually we will!  Keep trusting God and believing He is with us and will get us through this.  Tell yourself what you would tell a friend who is struggling and do that over and over again.  Soon, you will feel better.

 

3) Make self-care a priority.  Grieving is hard work and it drains lots of energy.  Make time to recharge and take care of yourself.   See Self-care and Self-appreciation | Success God's Way (mysuccessgodsway.com).  Schedule daily rest time or go for a walk in nature.  I find nature extremely healing.  Go to a beautiful place and soak it all in. Eat healthy food and moderate amounts of exercise always will do us a lot of good.  I like flowers.  Splurge and buy yourself some beautiful flowers that brighten your living space.  If you like to draw or paint, use it to express your feelings.  Scrapbooking also helps.  Light a candle sometimes signifies the presence of that person.  Avoid people who drain you, make efforts to be with comforting, safe people. 

 

4)  Write it all down.  I don't know why or how it works, but writing words all down is very healing.  Journaling relieves the feelings and stress we feel inside.  Before you go to bed each day, get in a comfortable position, play some relaxing music in the background, write down what happened and how you feel about it.  Putting words on paper allows us to express our painful feelings rather than stuffing them and carrying them inside of us.   

Some ideas for writing include: 

Special memories:  recount the good times shared.

Funny/unique sayings that your loved ones used.

Write them a letter or thank you note or forgiveness letter.

a list of what people have said and done that comforted you.

a list of what you missed about your loved ones.

a list of ways that makes you feel better.

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