Jesus told a story about two sons. The father asked the two sons to go work in the vineyard, one said "Nope, I don't want to." Later he felt bad and obeyed and did what Father asked. The other son said "Sure, Dad. I'd love to." But later he didn't do it. Our obedience to God's will is what Father sees regardless of our feelings, reactions or what we say.
Most days I wake up happy to do what I am called to do. 20% of the time I wake up not wanting to or dreading what I had to do, but I've always done what I had to do. My kids never went hungry, and we always got our schoolwork done. I've had jobs that I hated but did them anyway. I was taught a strong sense of duty in my upbringing. We always do what we had to do. This week pastor Tim used the illustration of San Francisco and fog. I loved that visual! San Francisco is often surrounded with fog, but we never see the fog and turn our car around. We knew that though we can't see it, San Francisco is still there so we move toward it. Regardless of how we feel, we are encouraged to move towards obedience. Check out this message on depression and faith of Hezekiah.
Calvary Fremont - Sunday Service 10/22/23 - YouTube
There were some major turning points in my life when God clearly called me to something, but I didn't want to do it. When God first called us to homeschool, I had a wonderful federal job that I loved and enjoyed. Did I mention well paid? I didn't want to give it up. I delayed obedience until my second son Jacob was born. When I finally quit my job, I told my kids that we would homeschool for now but if it didn't work out, I would send them to public school. It was not easy, and I wanted to send them to public school and have some free time most days. It was like standing with two feet on two boats. Finally, God gave me a clear message through Acts 27 Paul's shipwreck. The storm got worse, and the sailors tried to escape in the lifeboats. v31-32 "Paul said to everyone, "Unless these men stay in the ship, you cannot be saved. Then the soldiers cut away the ropes of the ship's boat and let it go." God said to me clearly, "cut away the lifeboats to public school and fully commit to staying on the ship of Homeschooling." I was sad to commit 20 years of my life to being home with kids with no income, but I obeyed trusting that He has a plan, and that God knows best. In hindsight, I'm glad I did because I see the fruit of that obedience, but I was definitely obeying while kicking and screaming inside. It blessed me to know that it is OK to obey though initially I don't want to and I don't feel like it. God still gives full credit for my obedience.
Pastor Tim reminded us that Jesus was agonizing to the point of death in the garden of Gethsemane, and from that point on until his final breath, He was sad and depressed, but he accomplished the will of the Father. Love triumphs over our feelings. Jesus didn't get up from the prayer of Gethsemane all pumped and smiling, welcoming God's will. Jesus was a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief. He was 100% human, and He understood the sorrow and pain ahead and He was not looking forward to it. In fact, he prayed that this cup would go away, but nevertheless, not my will but God's will be done. I don't know why but this blesses me so much. Sometimes God asks us to do very difficult things and it's ok to not feeling like we want to do it. It's ok to feel sad and depressed about God's will because we can only see the fog, but behind the fog, God is there.
I knew God is calling me to Taiwan this year, but as my departure date (11/27) draws closer, I am feeling more depressed as we move closer to November. There still is so much to do. I have never left my children, though they are all adults now. Will my new grandbaby remember me? I've lived in the Bay Area for 40 years and I will miss so much about my life here in Fremont, CA. I'm taking a trip to Lake Tahoe because I will not be close to the beauty of nature while living in Kaohsiung. I won't see any fall colors because it's so hot there. There will be no Christmas in Taiwan because they don't celebrate Christmas. I won't have a car to drive around because we will be taking public transportation. I don't know how to text or express well in Mandarin, will have to relearn all that. My family and friends will be far away, though I'm grateful for technology to keep us in touch. A hug speaks louder than many words. I am unsure about the state of my marriage and why God has called me there. After donating everything, will I be able to purchase everything I need? There are so many questions and uncertainties running through my mind. I feel sad. It will be such a different life, and I cannot picture it in my mind, and I cannot cheer myself up. But daily I am decluttering, organizing, packing, connecting with people and moving towards God's will for me in Taiwan. Going towards San Francisco though all I could see is the fog surround it.
It's ok to obey God in tears. Whether God is calling you to stay in a difficult marriage, to finish school, to be the responsible parent for your kids, to be an exemplary employee, to live a healthier lifestyle....you can obey while resisting inside or feeling depressed about it. It's ok to not like God's will. It's even OK to protest and complain to God, there are many examples in Psalms. But regardless, just be sure to move forward towards His will for you. Father God is still saying to the heavenly hosts, "that's my child! look at her obedience though it was so hard!" God accepts our obedience 100% regardless how we get there.
"You are never the loser when you obey God." ~pastor Tim
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