Turning a new leaf, starting over, begin again, taking a different path. Whether by choice or by circumstances, we all have to do this in life many times. In a lot of my starting overs, I see it as God's mercy and patience with me. He is a God of second, third and fourth chances. Look in the life of Jonah, Peter or Paul. We can start again not only in the beginning of the year, but we can also start afresh each single day.
Starting a new chapter implies that there is something not so good in the last chapter; maybe it was taking a wrong turn, or things just doesn't work anymore. My last blog was on grief and loss which is a prerequisite to starting over. Once we recognized and accepted that the old normal doesn't work or will not work anymore, it's time to start on the path to a new normal. Starting over is not easy, it's even harder as we age. No one likes discomfort, but as I get older, I hate it even more when I have to change and adjust. Unfortunately for me, changes are part of life.
Honestly, I have not been a person who sets serious goals in January because though the calendar year is brand new, I am the same old person with the same sets of hurts, habits and hang-ups. I have seen many people who moved away wanting a new start but ended up doing the same thing they've always done. They went back to the old addiction, they managed to find the same friends only in a different city, they made the same mess of things.
This year, God in His graciousness forces me to begin again here in Taiwan. I got rid of all my stuff and had to slowly replenish what I needed. My new home does not look like the old home. I am careful as to what stuff I re-introduce back to my home. My friends and kids are no longer nearby. My schedule is also a clean slate. Everyone I know is in a different time zone and country. I currently have little obligations or commitments here. I have a lot of time. It's definitely different. Though the temptation is to fill my days with something, anything, I don't want to go back to my old patterns. I am very careful in making new commitments and new friends. I don't want to just fill up my schedule and be busy without a purpose. I want to carefully seek God in what He wanted me to put on my schedule. Other than days that I have visitors or special events, I live life on the slow lane. I read a lot and I journal. I spend time talking to God and reading His word. I listen to podcasts. These are things I didn't have time for before and wanted to do. It's seemed boring, but I don't want to write a new chapter that is the same as my old chapter in life.
What do I really want to do now that I have the time? Sure, I miss my kids like crazy, but God puts me here for a reason. He isn't done with me yet. I thought that once I finished homeschooling, I was done. Mission accomplished. But God still allows me to live today and He says He isn't done with me. At this point, I don't know what to do, but I am slowly recognizing that though I miss my kids, not being around them frees me up to do things that I couldn't be before. Though I miss my old life, I do now recognize that some old limits don't apply anymore.
How do I want to live the second part of my life here in Taiwan? I don't have a clear picture, but I am doing some prep work.
1. Recognize my gifts: what do I have right now?
I am in my mid-fifties; it's not too late but I am going to need all of my gifts to start because I don't have very many. You might say the same, but if you just look carefully, you will find these hidden gifts. I am in relatively good health, though I am far from athletic. I can walk places and I rarely get sick. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. Given some time and efforts, I can figure things out. I speak English and I have a college degree. I know the one true God in a land of idols. I have a good support system in the US. I have a husband, 2 old friends, and a sister here in Taiwan. I have some savings. I can read and speak Mandarin minimally.
2. Personal Inventory: Do the internal work, don't repeat the same messed up pattern.
This was what I did during the 11 years in CR and I am continuing to do the work. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results. People cannot make you angry or sad. We need to own up to what our responsibilities are. I didn't know that I had unrealistic expectations, that I don't speak up for myself, that I hate asking for help and admitting wrong, and that I'm codependent, and terrible in taking care of myself. There are things that made me so furious because I have not worked through a past hurt before. If there is someone whom I need to forgive, or if I have done wrong and needing to make amends, this internal work is so super important. This is the reason people cannot move on because they are stuck in the same pattern. I don't want the new chapter to look like the old chapter.
3. Know what you want and test the waters
We all are gifted in many things. Maybe I was really good in Business and Accounting, but I also wonder about being a teacher or what it's like to be serving the elderlies or become a farmer. Some people do a drastic career change, which is not recommended, ever. If there are aspects of your job that you love and areas that you hate, are you aware of those? Perhaps it just takes some communication and adjustment so you can do more of what you love and less of what you hate. If you want to shift to another completely different field, then go and talk to someone already doing that and ask him/her all about their career. Try to take a class or invest something small in that field to see if it really is what you want. Test the waters. When a new product comes out, there is prototypes or samples. When a new restaurant opens, there is the soft opening to see if customers come. Try it out before you invest all of your time and money into it. One of the most inspiring YouTube on this topic is:
5 steps to designing the life you want | Bill Burnett | TEDxStanford - YouTube
It's not too late to live the life we want no matter how old we are. And there is no shame in starting over. Only the most courageous people do this instead of living in the comfort of old room but feeling trapped and sad. Our next chapter doesn't have to be like the rest of our book, it can be new, exciting, fulfilling and full of purpose. Together let's go where the Spirit leads and live out our purpose.
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