On Loss and Grief

I didn't want to write this one.  It hurts and it's so personal and uncomfortable.  The old normal disappeared and the new normal hasn't arrived.  Everything has a beginning, middle and end.  Everything has its season.  We can try to hang on, but when times change, it's not the same.  "There is a time for everything." Ecc 3.  

The world teaches us how to acquire things but not what to do when we lose them.  I am not a stranger to grief.  When Mom died, I did it all wrong.  I moved on too quickly.  I filled my life with lots of busy stuff and I poured all my energy in taking care of Dad.  I acted normal and I went on with life.  No one taught me how to grieve properly.  Maybe life was teaching me, but I was too busy to listen.  Then Dad died a couple of years later.  I grieved correctly this time.  I allowed time to be sad.  When I drove and a wave of grief hit, I pulled over and had a good cry.  I didn't fill the sadness with lots of busy stuff.  When tears come, I let it.  Tears are healing.  I gave myself grace and I found support from CR.  Eventually, I found my new normal after Dad was gone.

When Ted announced that he was retiring and moving to Taiwan, and God told me to go with him, I went through the 5 stages of grief:  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  Then came the preparation for the kids and the getting rid of all my stuff.  Once I accepted the fact that I was moving, it wasn't extremely difficult to let go of stuff, especially when I saw how happy the new owners were when they picked up my items.  Besides, I shouldn't have owned so much stuff in the beginning and I was curious to start my minimalist journey.  

The biggest struggle and hardest thing is the empty-nest blues:  being away from my kids and grandbaby.  I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know the extent of the pain until now.  From the day my children were born, my life changed drastically, but I was happy to love and take care of them.  To be their mom was a privilege and an honor.  I was so glad that God called me to homeschool because that meant I had extra time with them.  Though I love them, I am not the type of mom that is clingy and wanted. to keep her children living at home forever. (I have seen those moms.) I knew my job as a mom was to prepare and help them to be independent and that if I did my work well, I would someday work myself out of a job as a parent.  But like most big changes, I wasn't prepared for the magnitude of it when it happened.  I didn't know it would feel this bad the day when being a mother would no longer be a big part of my daily life and who I am.  

This was not the way I imagined it to be.  They didn't leave me one by one to go to college.  I prepared them as best as I could, and I left them to move to Taiwan.  It may not seem like a big deal because my youngest is 21 years old.  But I didn't just move a couple of hours away.  I am now across the Pacific Ocean.  Gosh, I am thankful for air travel; but still, if I wanted to get to them, I need to fly 14+ hours not counting the commute to the airport.  They have each other.  But my old normal is gone and shattered.  I always imagined being not too far from them so when they need me, I can put my life on hold and go help them.  Now I live far away in a tiny apartment on the 10th floor.  I sleep on a bed owned by the landlord.  Other than my clothes and a few kitchen items, I don't own anything else.  In fact, we are probably going to move in May.  Is this my home?  It doesn't feel like it.  My old house in Fremont is not my home either because all my stuff is gone, and it is now my son's home.  I have never felt like I don't have a home.  It's like my center is gone.  It felt very uncomfortable, and I don't sleep well most nights.  My old normal is gone.

Then there is also the loss of my friends in the U.S.  I've always had great friends.  God has given me a great support system.  I always knew who to call when I wanted to vent, or to go shopping, or to go do something fun.  Now I am in a different time zone, and they are so far away.  I miss them.  I can't minister to them, and they can't minister to me now other than social media, which is very different.  I have to find new friends, which will take time because I cannot express my thoughts well in Mandarin.    Again, making peace with the fact that my old normal is gone.

I didn't think I would miss nature so much.  I've always had a yard, and I love yardwork.  Perhaps I started loving it more once my parents were gone.  My parents were both agriculture major in college and they were experts in botany.  They bought their house because of the yard, it was huge.  I grew up with a lot of knowledge of plants, fruit trees, and we always grew our own veggies.  We loved the nature.  When they were happy, they took us to Lake Chabot or San Leandro Marina. When we go on trips, we went to the ocean because my dad also loved fishing.  Being in nature was my happy place.  I also knew I would be living in the big city here in Taiwan, but I didn't know I would miss nature this much.  Without a car, living in the big city is very convenient.  But walking in the nearby park is different than having a yard.

You say, "but don't you have so much to be grateful for?"  Yes.  I do.  And I continued to start my day with daily gratitude.  Don't explain your grief away.  You can have great things going for you but still have grief in some area.  They are not mutually exclusive.  I want to recognize that and share that truth with you, my reader, because I used to think that just because something is going great in my life means I should also be grateful for my injustices and pain.  Just because a person is really great doesn't mean he doesn't do wrong at times.  Look at the accounts of the Bible and how God sees King David.  He is the man after God's own heart; he wrote psalms, he was a fierce warrior.  But it doesn't justify his adultery with Bathsheba and taking census.  The Bible records both good and bad.  They are both true.   Just because life is going really great in some areas doesn't make it ok in other areas.  You can grieve the losses, whether in losing someone you love or something you love.

Well, then what do we do when we feel sad about a loss?

1) We give ourselves time and grace.  We recognize that we will not be instantly better because healing takes time.  We may be sad or unproductive for a while.  It's ok.  Expect less of ourselves.  Don't say "You should be better by now!"  or "You should not feel sad over that because ....."  Grief is personal.  Maybe someone else had similar loss and they adjusted better.  So what?  Did they lose YOUR parents or YOUR dog or YOUR job?  No.  They don't have the same relationship as you.  Each loss is unique and different.  Remove the "should's" and give ourselves grace.  Giving ourselves time also mean not to replace our loss quickly; it never is a good idea.  When my dog died, I don't go and buy a new puppy the next day.  When you lose a boyfriend, don't get into another relationship right away.  It's tempting but you will regret it.  Allow time to grieve your loss and figure out what the next step is.

2) Give ourselves and ask for what we need.  Grieving is hard work.  You need to recharge and refuel.  Learn what you need and get yourself what you need.  For years, I expect others to know what I need and give it to me.  That doesn't work.  If I don't know what I need, how does another person supposed to know?  How am I supposed to know when they give what I needed or not?  Figure out what you need and go do that in the area of selfcare.  Eat a healthy meal, talk to a friend, go for a walk, watch a movie, go to the ocean, take a bath, write a letter....  Sometimes, we need to ask for what we need.  It's ok to ask.  You are important too.  If you don't ask, you will never get it.  If you ask, you have a good chance of getting what you need.

3) When you are ready, set small goals.  We can be sad and depressed for a while but not forever.  We will need to start taking small steps towards our new normal.  It could be very small in the beginning, but still, we need some goals to get us going.  For me right now is learning the language better and stay plugged in with other believers.  My 4th grade level Mandarin allows me to understand most conversations, but I want to work on improving that.  I borrowed some library books to start with from the children's section.  I don't like watching Taiwan TV, but perhaps a door would open for me to take a class in March.  I am attending church and Celebrate Recovery group.  It felt so different and awkward right now, but I continue to go.  These are my small goals.  Getting used to a new language and culture is not instant.  I will allow myself some time.

This is not easy, but I have no choice except to go through it, there is no turning back.  I know I am not alone.  I don't know anyone (except for small children) who has never gone through loss or grief.  In an instant, things can change because it's part of life.  The old normal as I know it is gone.  I am flopping around in discomfort now but in time I will find my new normal.  The best new is that God is there.  He is there in the past, present and future.  When I ask God why, He always answers with a "Who".  He said, "Don't be afraid, I am with you.  Trust me.  Hold My hand.  I see where We are heading, it's beautiful."