Fighting Negative Feelings

I was sick for a couple of weeks.  It left me weaker than usual, and I was not able to fight the negative thoughts and feelings.  Therefore, I had a meltdown after Mother's Day.  This is very unlike me, I am positive, energetic, and resilient most days.  But I hit an all-time low and it took me a while to get over it.   Well, since I learned a few things from this experience, I thought I'd write about it.

It started from my birthday on April 22, my first birthday here without my kids and friends.  I already felt sad, but Ted signed us up for a bus trip that included 5 busloads of Presbyterian seniors. He loves those trips, but I don't really like them.  Being with tons of people all the time and having to listen to bad karaoke on long bus rides and visit tourist spots with more people isn't really my idea of fun.  As an introvert, I can probably tolerate these trips if they are one-day trips and once a month.  But this was a three-day bus trip.  It was exhausting.  I can't believe Ted went on another bus trip right after this one, which I refused to go.  He said he has the FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).  I think I have the FOBI (Fear of Being Included).  I feel like Ted and I had switched personalities once we got to Taiwan.  He loves going out and fills his days with activities and I just wanted to stay home and be away from the crowds because there are people everywhere.  Well, he caught a cold from the second bus trip, and he was sick first.  Then being in a small apartment with Ted coughing day and night, I caught it too.

It was my first time getting a cold in Taiwan, all I had with me were some Advil and Benadryl from U.S.  Of course, there was no NyQuil or even Wal-Mart.  So I finally found a beauty supply store that sold medicine and after an hour of reading the labels, I bought two packs of some cold meds.  I was really sick the first week and second week I just coughed a lot and felt weak.  On Mother's Day, I didn't go to church because the Taiwanese church has lots of old people.  That night I had to go to an important CR staff meeting to resolve some conflict, and I didn't get home until 10:30pm.  So that was my Mother's Day.  Not only did I not see my kids, I was sick and I didn't even go anywhere or get a good meal.  The next morning, as you probably guessed, the melt down happened.  I was angry, sad, alone, disappointed, and extremely discouraged.  I couldn't fight the feelings anymore and the floodgate opened, and I just cried and cried.  I felt like I made a huge mistake moving here, and I don't like it and want to go back to America.  I threw a tantrum with Ted.  Actually, I'm grateful because I have never felt safe enough to do that with him.  Before CR he had a terrible temper and was very aloof, so I would have never opened up to him.  But after years of CR, I finally felt safe enough let him know how I feel, though it wasn't pretty.  I cried out to God as well.  It's like Elijah telling God in the cave, "I'm so discouraged now, just let me die."  God did for me what He did for Elijah, He says He isn't done with me yet and I have work to do here.  Soon after I got better, I had the opportunity to give my full testimony in Chinese at our CR promotion.  My Chinese isn't good, but I prepared as best as I could, and God gave me a miracle!  He somehow loosened my tongue, and I was able to speak very well that day.  Then within a short time, I took on 4 new sponsees.  I was so surprised that they asked me.  But God brought them to me, so I was busier than ever mentoring them now.   I wanted to share what helped me through those low days of fighting negative feelings.

Continue Gratitude Practice

I started a practice that truly changed my life.  If you ask me if there is one habit that changed my life, it would be the gratitude practice. see Gratitude Practice | Success God's Way (mysuccessgodsway.com)

God says to give thanks in everything.  So each day soon after I wake up, I would write in my gratitude journal, "Today I am grateful for...." This includes of course the good things in life.  I also use it to speak life into my future, because you can be grateful for something BEFORE it happens.  I can say, "I am thankful that this is going to be a great day."  or that I am getting better in every way.  It also includes the negatives emotions because God says to give thanks IN everything not for everything.  So as I felt the negative feelings, I would write, "I am grateful for feeling angry/sad because it will not last, and God is going to use it for good in my life." I used to think that life is hills and valleys, sometimes things are good but sometimes it all falls apart.  That's not true.  No matter how bad things are, there are good things at the same time.  Life is more like Roses and Thorns.  There are good and bad at the same time, it's what you choose to look at.  So, keeping up the gratitude practice reminds us that life isn't all thorns.  

Acknowledge the negative feelings

When the negative feelings come, we want to stop it or escape it.  Believe it or not, it's natural to feel bad, we all do.  So don't judge the feeling, just acknowledge it and accept it.  Resist the urge to numb the feeling by going to an addiction.  I don't drink, but I wouldn't mind a gallon of ice cream.  Going to CR for 11 years helped me see that all roots of addiction are the same, to numb the pain inside us.  We tend to want to judge how we feel maybe because someone use to do that when we were young.  When I was feeling so sad and lonely, I wanted to judge that because God is calling me here, but I wanted to go back.  Sometimes I thought to myself, "A good Christian woman should not feel hate."  "Stop crying."  "Don't get mad."  People would tell us.  I later on learned that feelings, good or bad, are just our feelings.  They are not right or wrong.  Feel the feelings is the beginning of healing.  If we stuff it or numb it, it will come back a lot worse, like a monster that grows.  So the best thing is just say to yourself, "There it is.  I am feeling anxious/angry/sad....  It's ok.  It's how I feel.  I will sit with it; it will not last forever."

Do it scared

One of the best advices I learned from my friend Lisa was to "Do it scared."  Just because we accept how we feel doesn't mean that we have to allow that feeling to control us and stop us from living life.  The first time I traveled long distance on my own, I was anxious and scared.  But my accountability friends told me that Fear is "False Evidence Appearing Real"   And to "Do it scared."  I did it.  I drove through the desert and back and none of the terrible things happened that I imagined.  I did it scared.  That one experience opened up a whole new world for me.  Since my family doesn't like to travel, I went on countless solo trips since then and enjoyed every single trip.  Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you have to obey that feeling.  Feel it but go ahead and do what you intended to do.   Push through the negative feelings.  Face your fears.  Do what you know is good for you.  For some it may be getting on an airplane, take classes at a college, or change jobs.  For me, it's continuing to live each day for Jesus here in Taiwan.  

Share with a safe person

They say that joy shared is doubled and sadness shared is halved.  There are more than 100 "one another's" in the New Testament.  God didn't design for us to live this Christian life all by ourselves.  When we are struggling, we need to share that with someone safe.  Confessing to God brings forgiveness; confessing to each other brings healing.  I am sure that you and I have people in our lives that are willing to lend a listening ear when we struggle.  I know you are willing to do that for your friend.  But sometimes our mind plays tricks and we tell ourselves that others don't have time, that it's not that important, that we can handle it and that time will make it better.  No, it won't.  Go ahead and reach out and be vulnerable for once.  You will learn that you are glad you reached out and your friendships will be deepened because of it.   I didn't want to have a meltdown with my husband, but I'm kind of glad I did.  I believe our marriage is better by me speaking up for my needs and communicating at a deep level.   If you don't have a safe person yet, you can also consider joining online support groups.  I started joining Coda (Codependent Anonymous) and they have a meeting all hours of the day.  

Give Generous Explanations 

If you are upset because of someone else's actions, remember to give most generous explanations.  This is one of the things my sponsor taught me.  Because of my negative mindset, I tend to choose the worst explanations.  Did you know that there are at least 6 different explanations or stories to explain the same action? For example, I am actually a bit embarrassed to admit this, but it shows you how negative I am.  When Ted goes places without me, he would buy snacks or souvenir for me.  Just so you know, Gifts is my least favorite love language.  So not only I don't need it, but it also often isn't what I like.  He buys me stuff he likes.  So my explanation without thinking is, "He never pays attention to what I like, and he buys his favorite snacks home so he can eat more of it."  That's the worst explanation for that action.  I could have said to myself, "I'm glad he thinks of me when he travels and he probably doesn't know what I like."  The challenge is that we repeated tell ourselves a terrible story and that becomes our truths, even though it isn't what we think.    Learn to interpret situations with a generous heart.  When someone cuts me off, I will say he must be in a hurry to get to the hospital instead of that jerk is doing it because he hates me personally.  

Cure for depression is helping another

Lastly, if you struggle with depression, did you know that the best cure is find someone that you can help and help that person?  God designed for us to feel happy when we are able to help others in need.  That's why when Elijah is super depressed, God gave him his next assignment.  When we help others, we feel a sense of purpose and happiness.  The need is out there, and you can do a small act of kindness no matter where you are financially.    If you give $5 to charity, watch and see if you still have a roof over your head and food on the table.  If you pay for the next car on the bridge, do you think you will run out of money to pay for yourself? Most likely not.   When God sent 4 sponsees my way, and I got busy getting to know them and helping them with their problems, I took the focus off myself and the perceived problems of my own and I focus on helping others.  I immediately felt better.  God designed it that way.  Amazing, isn't it?

Even though going through the low times isn't fun, but I am glad I went through it and that I got to share it with you.  God caused all things to work together for ones who loves Him.  The Cross is the most terrible thing a human being can go through, but God caused it to work for the good of redeeming all of our sins and restoring our relationship with Hiim.   May He work out all things for your good as well, my dear friends.