There are so many people everywhere all hours of the day, in the city and in the parks. You can't get away from people. I am still not quite used to that. I don't dislike people but I don't want to be with people every minute. How do you be yourself in the midst of a crowd? It isn't easy. Why is it so hard? Well, it turns out that there are some steps that need to happen first before you can "be yourself".
The people here in Taiwan love to go where the crowds are no matter it's restaurants, parks, or snack shop. They love lines. If they had to wait 30 min to get it, that makes the item all the better and more precious. "Others love it means I will love it too." thought everyone. The boundary lines of individuals are blurred. When it comes time to "be yourself", they don't really know what that is. If your grandfather is a doctor and your dad is a doctor and you are expected to be a doctor, then you become a doctor even though you want to be a musician inside. Most people do what's expected of them instead of what their heart says. Why can't we just do what we want to do?
I have an artist friend who enjoys and loves so many things. That girl sees beauty in the world around us that people normally don't take notice in: tree roots, driftwood, discarded branches, weird patterns, babies.....etc. I love her because like a child, she delights in many little things. But one thing she hates is copies. She appreciates the authenticity of anything, even if it looks imperfect or flawed or even ugly. She sees beauty in that imperfection. But for some reason, she detests copies, even if the copies are pretty. Not only her, but most artists hate copies. God the creator also delights in seeing each of us becoming our unique selves. He doesn't want us to become like everyone else around us. But I know that up until 10 years ago, I had no idea what I liked and how to be my unique self. My life is full of obligations, responsibilities, and other people's expectations. I was afraid to rock the boat, I didn't want to offend people or be mean and draw boundaries. I didn't want them to be angry or reject me. So I did what everyone wanted and as a result became a copy instead of original. I was a codependent.
In the very beginning as babies, we were designed to need others. Babies cry to voice their needs but they are helpless to fill that need until Mommy comes to comfort or feed them. When my kids were very young, like 2-3 years old, they used to look at me when they fell to see how I reacted. If I acted like I didn't see it, or I tell them it's fine, they dusted themselves and continued playing. If I panicked or freaked out, then they knew it was a big deal, and they also picnicked or and often cried loudly. They waited for my response to learn how to respond. It's true what they say that the first 6 years of your life is like wet cement, they are the most formative years. During that time if a child feels loved by parents and others, and his needs are met by main caretakers, then he develops a healthy self-image. Once a child is secure inside, he will start to venture out a little away from mom/dad and be ok. It's only in this security that the child can develop a sense of self and learn that it's ok to fail or be different and still be loved. In another words, a healthy self-image is the prerequisite to being yourself.
But only a small percentage of us have wonderful parents who affirmed and encouraged us 7 to 1.. It takes 7 positive comments to erase one negative comment. That's just how we were wired. If your boss told you 5 great things and 1 negative thing during your performance review, you will remember only the 1 negative comment. I honestly don't know any parents who had 7 great things to say to their child for every negative comment. I had very loving parents, but they didn't tell us they loved us because they were Asians and it's hard for Asians to verbalize love or praise us. I do my very best, but I am still far from the perfect parent. Thankfully, if we didn't develop healthy self-image when we were children, all is not lost. We won't be messed up forever. The good news is that anytime during adulthood, we can learn to "reparent" ourselves. What does reparent mean? It's just giving ourselves what we should have received as children. It's best to reparent ourselves in a safe group. In this supportive setting, when we fail or tried something without success, our friends can say "It's ok, you got this....try again. we are here for you." Do this a few more times, then we can replace the belief that "no one will love me if I fail." with "I am ok when I fail, I can try again." When you get a little stronger, then you can learn to disagree or have a different point of view and learn that they will still love you. These baby steps will lead to a healthy self-image which helps us to be ourselves later on. I have been in Celebrate Recovery support groups which did that for me. They were the safe environment I needed to be so I can figure out who I really am and what I like and learn that it's ok to be myself. I learned to talk to myself gently when I fail. It is definitely a process and takes time. I have been working on codependency for almost 12 years now. Gosh, I am amazed that God is using that experience to help my 5 new sponsees right now. God really doesn't waste any hurt. If I can do it, so can you.
Being yourself is harder than you think. Whose voices do we have to reject so we can flourish into who God created us to be? There are lots of voices in our heads that we need to evict until we can be true to ourselves and how we feel. God's answer came through these great examples from the Bible!
Our critical friends
When Nehemiah was building the wall to protect Jerusalem, there were critics who made fun of them, but he dismissed the comments and gave it to God. Then he continued and worked harder to finish the task.
Nehemiah 4: 3-6
3 Tobiah the Ammonite, who was at his side, said, “What they are building—even a fox climbing up on it would break down their wall of stones!” Then Nehemiah prayed,4 Hear us, our God, for we are despised. Turn their insults back on their own heads. Give them over as plunder in a land of captivity. 5 Do not cover up their guilt or blot out their sins from your sight, for they have thrown insults in the face of[the builders.
6 So we rebuilt the wall till all of it reached half its height, for the people worked with all their heart.
Not everyone is for you. You will have people that don't believe in you, laugh at you, or demand their ways. It's not you, Jesus is perfect, and people didn't like him. If you ask any successful person, they have been laughed at. Opinions are the cheapest commodities around. Sometimes it's best to ignore it, like Nehemiah did. Nehemiah heard from God and came to rebuild the wall of Jerusalem, that was his goal. Yet, there are opposing voices. He simply took it to God and said, "God, you saw these insults and please take care of it." And he just kept working. When we are evaluating someone's critical remark, it's important to ask two questions,
1) Is it true or helpful?
2) Does it align with my goals?
If the answer is negative, you just ignore them and keep going towards your goal.
Our family
sometimes, our well-meaning family will also give us their opinions and because we love them, it's hard to disagree. Thus, we give them a lot of power to hurt us.
When David came down and was asking questions about why Goliath can make fun of God during the battle, his brother said...
1Sam: 17:8
When Eliab, David's oldest brother, heard him speaking with the men, he burned with anger at him and asked, "Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle."
David's brother sees him as conceited, wicked, and nothing but a shepherd boy coming to watch the battle. And he is nobody and no good at anything except watching sheep. David has to reject that voice in his heart first and believe that he is much more than that. Actually, He knew the power of our God and he knew he could do great things with God's help. I don't know if David was hurt by his brother's remark, he probably was, but he simply just dismissed it and moved on towards his goal. (like Nehemiah) We all knew that David went on to kill Goliath the giant. The best way to prove them wrong is achieving success. Nehamiah simply just kept building the wall. David just went on believing the Lord and that God can and will use someone like him and he killed the giant.
Our enemy
Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:7-9
Our enemy wants to destroy us and it's always looking for ways to do that. Do not believe him, resist and stand firm in the faith. There is an Evil one, His presence is real, although our Lord Jesus has victory over him. He will always look for chances to harass God's children, it's his full-time job. If in the darkest night, you hear a voice saying, "You are useless and have no value. Might as well end your life now." Know for certain that is from the Evil one. It has happened to my daughter when she was young and I fought that attack with everything I got, and I ask the elders to pray and anoint her with oil. Thank God the clouds of depression lifted. Here is another one I hear from some of my friends, "You deserve to suffer because of what you did before." That's another fat lie. Jesus's blood washes away your sins past, present and future the minute you put your faith in Him, all your sins are wiped away. Reject that voice. Rebuke it in the name of Jesus's strong name!
Our insecurities
Judges 6:12-16
When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”
13 “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.”
14 The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”
15 “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.”
16 The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.”
Gideon didn't think much of himself at the time God chose him. He thought his clan is the weakest and he is the least in his family. In fact, he didn't think God is very powerful either. I often wonder why God chose him out of all people. If Gideon came for an interview as a leader, he probably scored quite low. Boy am I glad God chose Gideon because if God can use someone like him, He can use any of us. God saw his potential behind all that fear, he renewed his mind and changed his thinking according to God's word. God said He sees him as a mighty warrior who can save Israel because God is going to be with him. I don't know how long it took him, but eventually he had to change his internal voice and rewrite the script that played in his mind. Eventually, he went on to be the great warrior that God said he was. If Gideon can renew his mind, we can too.
Instead of dwelling and meditating on the critical voices of our friends, family, enemy and our insecurities, lets us embrace and renew our minds on the word of God. Don't give up, it's not instant, but in time you will silence these voices and start to embrace who you are. Remember, God doesn't create junk. In doing so, we can finally blossom into the beautiful person that God created us to be.
Add comment
Comments