If I were 25 again, I would have had a much more relaxed view on dating. Many of my sponsees are young and they have so many questions on dating. I tell them to relax and meet lots of people. Dating isn't about finding the right mate, but most likely will lead to personal growth. To me, that's a much more worthy and realistic goal of dating.
When I was in my twenties, I dated no one. I was too afraid. I didn't want to be a "player", hurt their feelings, waste my time on the wrong guy, or worry about boundary issues. Worst of all, what if it leads to a kiss.... which we see on movies. Ted was the first one I dated and married. I don't know why I was so nervous about the whole dating concept then. It's like they have to meet all these qualifications and there is one goal for dating, that is to meet "THE ONE". Boy, How wrong I was!! Now that I have gain more years under my belt and have a chance to be a coach for these young Taiwanese Christian ladies, I tell them just relax and meet lots of people.
First, the goal of dating is to meet different people and learn about ourselves and others. It isn't to find a mate and get married, even though that can happen. It should still not be the goal because then you would not be so relaxed, would you? If I needed to buy something for a specific purpose, I would go to a certain store and look at all my options. Much of the time, I am surprised to see some options that I never knew existed. Then after carefully examine each item that serves the purpose and how much they cost, I make my decision. Sometimes it takes me several trips to the store, sometimes I decided I didn't need it after all. When I am looking for a job, I look at all the available jobs in the field I am looking for, and I send out my resume to as many companies as I can. Then I go and interview a few and then I decide based on the offers. We do everything this way. It's just common sense. But somehow when it comes to finding a mate, we think God will just bring that person to the door without any efforts on our part. We still have a part; we need to meet lots of people and this process is called dating.
What is important in this process called dating?
1) Meet more new people.
I hear a lot of people tell me, "There are just no good Christian men here. All the good ones are taken." That is not true. That's what you say to avoid responsibility. Even if this is a true statement, you can still choose to move if you really want to do something about it. If you are looking for dates, you need to increase the new people you meet. What? You don't believe me? Well, if you keep a log of all the new eligible people you meet each day, then you can see that many of us go to the same place and do the same things. If you want to get dates, then go meet new people.
Two things are necessary to get a date: Enough interactions: They need to interact with you enough to find you interesting. Enough information: They need to be able to contact you. (email, social media accounts are pretty safe)
Dr. Cloud is my favorite psychologist and when he coaches people, he requires his client to meet 5 new people a week. Keep a log of the new people you meet. Go to new churches, parties, professional events, classes, dating services, wedding, friends/family member referrals, volunteer work.....etc.
In recovery, there is a saying "When nothing changes, nothing changes." What do you think will happen if you continue to do what you do each day? Play that movie. If you don't like the ending, then repent and make some changes.
2) Low expectations.
Remember that the goal of dating is personal growth and make new friends. Throw away the mental checklist or preconceived ideas. I am friends with a lot of different people, even when we disagree on lots of things. It's fun to meet lots of different people. Sometimes we think they are not our "type", but they may surprise us if we give them a chance. I know many people ended up being with the people who initially were not their "type". Don't reject the person before you meet them. What do you have to lose? Maybe a couple of hours and the cost of a cup of coffee. If you really don't like the person, ask yourself why. This might be a growth opportunity to get to know yourself and work on some issues. You don't have to keep going out with the person after a couple of times if there is no chemistry. Relax. It's ok. Keep an open mind. Expect to meet different types of people, enjoy yourself, learn about yourself (likes and dislikes), have fun, share thoughts on life.
3) Safety first
I would meet for coffee first or lunch. Always meet in public places. Get to know them as a friend and set clear expectations. I would avoid physical touch. Just have coffee and talk. That's not so hard. If you find them interesting, then go out again. No commitments. Lunch is ok. Dinner implies a bit more serious relationship. So I would just do coffee and lunch for this dating period. I would not give out important information such as your address or phone number. Use a social media app. That's exact what it's for. They are much easier to block or delete. Rather be safe than sorry.
4) Be yourself.
One of my favorite verses is Pv 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Our external life comes from our internal life. The fruit comes from the tree. It's important to smile and give off vibes that you are an open person. Be confident and make appropriate eye contact. I don't think you need to go out of your way to polish your looks or be who you are not. The important thing is to relate to others as who you are authentically. My personal opinion is that the dating game out there is just too deceiving. No need to borrow a nice car, wear tight undergarments, excessive hairdos, makeup or accessories....etc. Making a good impression and a false impression are two different things. In most cases a genuine person will more likely attract another genuine person. If you are trying to hide who you really are, Why do you do it? What were you afraid of? Remember, dating is a growth opportunity to learn about yourself too. Talk with your good friends about how you feel and your insecurities.
Oh yeah, don't rearrange your whole life for your date. That's desperation. If you have something on the schedule, tell them that. If you need a day of rest or hang out with your friends, let them know. Be yourself completely.
5) Male and Female roles
In the beginning, God created male and female. We were created with some very basic differences as male and female. So I want to say a few words to each gender.
Men, you were created by God to initiate, pursue, assert, protect and conquer. Most women want strong and assertive men who know and pursue what they want. That God-given masculinity is attractive. So, your goal in dating is to get as many rejections as possible. Go ahead and ask for a date, even if she is out of your league. Take a chance, you never know. Don't back out until the door is really closed (a ring on her finger). That's how Ted got me to marry him, he didn't give up easily. If you are a passive hoper that sit quietly in the corner hoping a gorgeous woman would ask you out on a date.....ummm...... keep dreaming.
Women, we desire to respond, to be pursued, cared for and wanted. A man's strength allows a woman to be all she is created to be. Don't play games, be yourself, and make eye contact and smile. Show interest. Open people make lots of eye contact. Just look at them and they will know. If you give a guy lots of chances to pursue you and he makes no moves, something is wrong in that picture. Move on. He is either not attracted to you, or he has to work out some stuff before he can initiate. Go drop your hankie in front of a man who will pick it up.
6) Give your date at least two chances
The most important factor is a person's character. It's hard to judge a person's character from one meeting. Maybe he or she seemed distracted, awkward, or quiet and you didn't hit it off the first time. I recommend giving that person another chance before you cross him off forever on your list. He or she may have something happen personally or professionally, or just had a "bad hair day" which we all do. I would say at least two dates minimum. If he or she is extra cute, maybe 3 dates before you tell them you are not interested. Love at first sight is like the chance of winning the lottery. Very, very rare, almost nonexistent. Romantic movies do that to make a sale. The ones I know that said it was love at first sight, sadly they are mostly not together anymore.
As you may have guessed, sometimes but not always, there may be one special person who rises above the crowd in character, faith, looks and compatibility. After careful consideration, you may decide to take this relationship to the next level: "exclusive dating". This is a much more committed level, which may lead to marriage (or not). At this level, you don't see anyone else except that person and you spend much more time together. Then you ask yourself this important question, "why do I want to get married?" But for now, we will save this topic for next time. 😊
Add comment
Comments