Why get married?

The Bible encourages marriage between men and women.  It's God's will and it's beautiful.  What can be dreamier than a beautiful couple dressed in splendor and lovingly look into each other's eyes?  Who doesn't desire that!?  But I have known many (myself included) that in our focus of finding "the one", we ignored the things we need to change and places we needed to grow.

Honestly, I had never asked myself the important question, "Why do I want to get married?"  or "Am I ready to get married now?"  I sort of assume that events would happen one after another, sort of like waves at the beach, pushing me towards that important decision.  It's so crazy that I didn't ask more questions.  So as my view on dating matured, my view on "when to get married" has also matured.  My last blog talked about relaxed dating and meeting lots of people.  Have coffee/lunch with people, be friends, have fun, be kind and respectful, learn about yourself and others.  This always leads to self-discovery and growth.  Sometimes, you may meet a person that really stands out above the crowd.  This is when you ask this question, "am I ready to take this relationship to the next level and go exclusive?"

To take the relationship to the next level, you need to ask yourself these questions:

1)Are you content with your life now?

If you are unhappy without a relationship, you'll most likely be unhappy with one as well.  Marriage is about two healthy, content people coming together, thus "Two becoming one"; the prerequisite being two "whole" people.  God wants us to learn contentment where we are.  God didn't say learn to be content only after you get married.  When Apostle Paul wrote the chapter about contentment, he was not married.  If we are desperately looking for someone to complete us, that's not a good starting point for marriage.  Have you heard that you shouldn't go to the grocery store when you are hungry because you won't make good choices?  It's true.  When you are too hungry, anything looks good, especially the bag of chips.  Desperate people frighten the good ones away and may attract people who aren't good for them or take advantage. Learn to be content and work on your reasons for feeling discontent.  Do we have some negative beliefs, dependency issues, scarcity, fears or need to control?  

2)What are you expecting marriage to give you?

My pastor used to say marriage will magnify all of your issues.  If you are not happy now, marriage cannot make you happy.  Unhappy people only create unhappy marriages.  If you have depression, loneliness, or emptiness, work through those issues with counseling, therapy, spiritual growth programs or CR.  I know women who are deeply insecure about their finances, and they are hoping they will find a husband to provide for them for life.  Not good.  Learn to be on your own two feet and provide for yourself first as a woman.  Here so many singles are living with their parents still to save money.  Yikes.  If they are still dependent on their parents financially, their parents have full authority over them.  It's hard to mature in that environment.  Work hard to be financially independent first.  Don't look for someone else to take care of you.  Marriage should not be seen as the golden ticket to make your life better.  Fix what isn't working and what is not good in your life as a single.  Most eligible bachelors are not looking for a leach no matter how cute she is.  They are looking for someone who can carry her own weight and manage her own affairs well and have some energy left to give to another.  

3) Do you want to get married to prove you are OK?

Sometimes socially we want the rest of society to see that we are ok and desirable, and marriage is a way of providing that.   "Most of my friends are married."  "My parents kept asking me and giving me pressure to get married."  "I am getting old, and I don't want to be a weird bachelorette."  "All attractive people are married."  I am sad to tell you that marriage is not going to make you feel OK nor is it going to make you feel as if you measure up or fit in.  Marriage is not a solution to your insecurity issues.  If you don't feel ok because others don't think you are ok, then the problem isn't something marriage can solve.  Besides, isn't it selfish to have someone in your arms so you can look better to the crowd?  I don't think it's real love if you are using a spouse to boost your self-image.  That's kind of unhealthy.  

4) Do you have an accountability team?

A lot can happen in this stage.  Sometimes we fall head over heels over someone and they are not good for us.  We are attracted to the wrong type for many reasons.  Emotions are strong.  Often your heart can fool you when your attraction to a person comes out of only your feelings.  I know a woman, and I am sure you do too, who ignored so many red flags to be with this man and ended up in disaster.   There are some who are stuck in bad relationships because a bad relationship feels better than none at all.   Some demand perfection in herself as well as others.  Some had Merger wishes that they find the person who owns the parts that you don't have, such as a passive person finding an aggressive one, codependent finds a narcissist.  Develop the side of you that is missing and work on that instead.  Again, work towards being a whole person.  So many things can go wrong, and sometimes when you are in the forest, you can't see the trees.  You need other trusted people to see it and point it out for you, an accountability team; or as the Bible said, "A multitude of counselors".  Get a group of people together who are committed to your growth and put your dating out on the table.  They can help you gain insight, confront, build you up, encourage, push or set limits.  The only rule is that you must make yourself vulnerable and be completely honest.  Then prayerfully consider their wisdom, feedback, challenges and correction.  Choosing who and when to marry is one of the most important decisions you make in life.  You will need your team to help you.

5) Evaluate his/her character not by attachment

"Beauty is only skin deep but character goes all the way to the bone."  This is something I didn't understand when I was young.  I have heard many similar stories such as this one:  A man gives chocolate, flowers, and says wonderful, sweet things about a girl.  Then the girl starts to waver.  The man continues to show love and soon the girl loves him back.  After a while, she is stuck because she is attached and doesn't want to break up to hurt him though he is displaying some questionable character issues.  Don't evaluate the relationship by your attachment to him or how well he treats you instead of what you value in a person, his character.  We are creatures of habit, so after a while, we will feel familiar to having a person in our lives.  But don't let that blind you from the red flags.  I have known women who put up with men who is unspiritual, selfish, pressuring for sex, lazy, and a whole bunch of other stuff because they say, "but I love him."  Well, this is the reason we need some good friends who tell us to wake up and don't settle for less.  The person you ultimately commit to has to be honest, loving, responsible, spiritually committed, respectful, and generous.  How strongly you feel about him is NOT the test.  Only give your heart to someone who deserves it.

Obviously, this is a huge topic, and they are good books and much more information on the topic of dating exclusively with marriage in mind.  But these topics I mentioned were the eye-opening truths that I wish I had known when I was younger.  I hope it helps our friends who are in this stage of life.  Blessings to you and enjoy the journey. ☺️