A few years into my marriage, I began to notice something is off in our relationship. I couldn't put a finger on it. During courtship, he had relentless pursued me and when we were married, he started to ignore me and needs lots of space. In fact, he prefers to be by himself in his room when no one is around. His best days are when no one bothers him or demands anything from him. I feel very much alone in my marriage. Then from the lack of eye contact, his social anxiety, communication issues, extra sensitivity to smell/sounds, no empathy, and loves random, irrelevant details yet missing the big picture, I began to piece it together. He is not crazy, he is autistic. This began my long journey of coping and living with autism. My sister recommended a book that really explains much of my husband's behavior in our relationship. It's really great book to understand a spouse with Autism. It's called "Neurodiverse Relationships" by Joanna Pike with Tony Attwood.
Recently, I took on one sponsee who has Aspergers. When I suggested she needs at least one friend other than Jesus, she freaked out. Making new friends to her is a frightening, impossible, sure-to-fail task. I couldn't understand why making a friend would be so scary, and she couldn't explain it. I guess because of no eye contact, interpretation of social cues and emotions of others is difficult, and she often got it wrong. That's why social anxiety is so high. So I began to look into information on Autism. Unfortunately, no one knows what caused it or how to cure it. But knowing and understanding can help with coping. In my circle of family and friends, there are many autistic high-functioning adults who may look completely normal with spouses, children and good jobs. But they are definitely different. I am guessing you probably have or will encounter many autistic individuals in your life. So I wanted to share what I found:
Autistic adults often exhibit these characteristics
Social communication and social interaction
- You may find it difficult to join conversations
- You may attempt to dominate conversations and bring the topic around to things that interest you
- You may find small talk difficult
- You may find two-way conversations and taking turns in talk difficult to do
- You may have difficulty in understanding and responding to non-literal language, such as metaphors and sarcasm
- You may speak in a flat, monotone voice, or use repetitive language
- You may use your own unique phrases and expressions
- You may make unexpected or unusual facial expressions or gestures when speaking with people
- You may have difficulty in understanding the thoughts or feelings of others
- You may find that other people have difficulty in understanding your thoughts or feelings or miss understanding what you are communicating
- It may be difficult for you to comprehend or respond to the facial expressions or body language of others, or to read social cues
- Other people tell you that they have difficulty understanding how you are thinking or feeling
- You may be very direct/sometimes rude in your assessments of people and things
- Maintaining eye contact during interactions with others may be difficult, or
- You may have difficulty in establishing and maintaining close friendships.
Repetitive or restricted behaviors, interests or activities
Some of the characteristics that adults with an autism diagnosis commonly report, include:
- You may enjoy routine and schedules, and can become upset or anxious when they are changed or not adhered to
- There are repetitive daily rituals and routines that you like to follow
- You may become upset when unexpected things happen
- You may get bothered if others move or rearrange your possessions
- You may make noises that others find unexpected
- You may have very specific interests and hobbies to which you devote a lot of time
- You may find it difficult to multi-task
- You may have very strong reactions to sensory stimuli, or alternatively no reaction at all. This can apply to noises, sounds, smells, tastes and textures, or
- You may prefer to do things on your own, both at work and at home.
Tips to communicate with Autistic adults:
Getting and keeping their attention
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Always use their name at the beginning so that they know you are talking to them.
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Make sure they are paying attention before you ask a question or give an instruction. The signs that someone is paying attention will be different for different people.
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Use their hobbies and interests, or the activity they are currently doing, to engage them.
Processing information
An autistic person can find it difficult to filter out the less important information. If there is too much information, it can lead to ‘overload’, where no further information can be processed. To help:
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say less and say it slowly
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use specific key words, repeating and stressing them
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pause between words and phrases to give the person time to process what you’ve said, and to give them a chance to think of a response
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don’t use too many questions, especially open ended ones.
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use less non-verbal communication (eg eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, body language)
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use visual supports (eg symbols, timetables, Social Stories) if appropriate
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be aware of the environment (noisy/crowded) that you are in. Sensory differences may be affecting how much someone can process.
Avoiding open-ended questions
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Keep questions short
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Ask only the most necessary questions
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Structure your questions, e.g. you could offer options or choices
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Be specific. For example, ask “Did you enjoy your lunch?” and “Did you enjoy trip to the library?” rather than “How was your day?”.
I think bottom line is understanding and accepting this is who they are and be patient, don't expect them to be less autistic over time.
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