Friendship

I read about a study with cancer patients and was astonished to find that those patients with friends are 45% less likely to die.  Wow.  Friends are important.  But in this technology age, making friends seem to be harder because we don't meet face to face as often.  Once my children become adults, my relationship with them transformed from parent-child to friends.  So, in discovering how to be a better friend, I am learning also how to better relate to my adult children.

Last month had been extremely challenging for me as my husband had two knee replacement surgeries. To my surprise, the Taiwan hospitals expect patients to find a caretaker 24/7 during the hospital stay.  So, I had to sleep many nights in a chair in a cramp room hearing screams from other patients.  During the week he was home, he had extremely high blood pressure and complications on the wound, and I had to take him back to the hospital almost daily on public transportation.  Eventually, the doctor decided that he needed to have a second debridement surgery.  During this time, it was doubly hard because we have not known a lot of people other than church acquaintance.  I noticed that most people stay away either because they are busy, they don't know what to do or say, or they just don't want to get involved.  I wonder too if I am that type of a friend.  A few even continued to request time/energy from me because they only cared about their own needs.  I had to block one such a person because I simply had no energy to deal with her issues.  There were a few good people who came to see us in the hospital room, prayed, brought food and gave us rides and offered practical help.  We are very grateful and encouraged by them.  Later when my daughter came to stay with us in mid-Sept, I just felt a huge load off my shoulders because now I know I am not alone, and I can share my burden with her.  Having someone who knows us and we know they got our backs is a huge relief during difficult times.  This brings me to my first tip:

A good friend shows up for good and bad times.

We need our friends much more when the times are difficult.  In the Bible, Job's friends came and just sat with him.  That may be their best ministry.  You don't need to have anything wise to say, just show up.  When my parents passed away from cancer, I was depressed but still had to face many everyday tasks as a mom.  I felt overwhelmed.  There was a friend who came and just quietly did my mountain of dishes in the sink.  When I was pregnant with my fourth child and slipped on bubbles.  I ended up sprained both ankles and had to be using crutches still chasing three toddlers.  I appreciate the friends who cooked me meals and brought over.  I remembered those friends who showed me kindness when I was really struggling.  Normally I don't need much assistance, but when I was down and out, oh how much I appreciate the true friends who were there for me!  Friends are also there for the good times too.  When something really great happens, I need to be able to call someone who will be happy for me and not get jealous of my success.   When my mom died, one of the time Dad told me he missed her was when he was coming home after fishing and wanted to tell her about how many fish he caught and that he was on his way home.... he had no one to call.

A friend is quick to listen and slow to speak.

James 1:19 is a familiar verse that say "everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger."  This is especially true when you want to be a good friend.  Being a good listener is a most important quality of a good friend.  You know those people, we all know them, they don't listen, and they use what you say to steal the spotlight...."Oh, yeah, I had something like that happened to me...."  They constantly interrupt because they always have something to say and they want to talk about themselves.  There are also those who always give advice when you never asked for it.  You just can't wait to get away from them.  Or you feel yourself getting more annoyed, but maybe you can't put your finger on it.  Don't talk about yourself or give advice.  Just listen and ask more clarifying questions such as, "Really, tell me more...."  "how did you feel about that?"  "What did you do after that?"  Listening is the most precious gift you can give because your time and attention is your life.  Listening to someone makes him/her feel valued and important.  There is nothing that feels better than walking away from a conversation feeling heard, understood and loved.  

A friend gives and takes equally.

It's important that you and I strive to be a good friend who help others but also, I struggle with codependency.  I naturally give too much, but when I give and give and the other person takes and takes.  I start to feel used and resentful.  How would you feel if you aways had to pay for dinner, or are always there for the other when they are never there for you? Two healthy friends give and take equally.   Some of my sponsees are feeling miserable and tired all the time.  There are many reasons, but one reason often is that they only feel good in a friendship that they can give, naturally they have too many "blood suckers" as friends.   So my homework to them is often, "go and make friends with people that don't need you."  If they need to pour into every friend that they make, no wonder they are so exhausted.  Go and do fun activities or watch a movie or go hiking without having to help that person.  We should be generous and be a giver, but there is also a time to receive.  Healthy friendships include healthy give and take.

Choose healthy people who are willing to work on friendship.

The Bible tells us we become like the people we hang out with.  Our friends around us shape who we are and who we become.  Unfortunately, not everyone is healthy and mature to be good friend material.  Just like marriage, good friendship requires a lot of work.  One of the basic qualities is that you need to be able to trust that friend and accept the differences between you.  Most friends have a lot in common, but no two people are exactly alike.  So, you will have differences.  How we view and resolve those differences is crucial because relationships are more fragile than you think.   If one of you insisted on being right and doesn't accept the differences, then it may cause a rift between you.  Or they may disrepect your boundaries over and over.   Friendship is a privilege, not a right.  And if someone has squandered that privilege, you aren't required to stick around.  The toxic person is entitled to nothing.  Letting go doesn't mean you don't love them, it just means that their behavior won't allow you to participate in the friendship anymore.

I have shared before that I like simplicity and I'm embracing minimalism lifestyle here.  But my daughter is not.  She is the opposite from me.  She loves shopping and cutesy things like Snoopy, Smiski collection,, Legos,....etc.  We went to a health and beauty store called Poya, and she was there for hours and didn't want to leave.  I don't quite understand that we only have one face, and how many products we can put on this one face....?   The soap, shampoo and conditioners are not to her liking, so she had to buy her own.  Suddenly, my minimalist home now is full of things we obviously don't need.  The difference is my attitude.  I am accepting it being part of her and though I may not like all that stuff, I am happy that she found great satisfaction from owning those things.  I am happy that she is happy.  After all, the bottom line I tell myself is that our relationship is worth much more than our small differences.  When we moved to another country and my daughter spent money traveling across Pacific Ocean to be with me for 3 months, that means more to me than anything else.  I treasure that relationship and refuse to let small things cause a rift.  We can love someone without approving everything they do.  

I'm sure there is much more about friendship that can be written.  But these four principles to me are the biggies.  Blessings 😊